I attended commencement at Drexel this past weekend. I picked up my diploma. I am now really and truly officially graduated and finished with Drexel now. Patti LaBelle was given an honorary Ph.D., which I wasn’t too interested in when I read about it, but she gave a sweet speech. I was particularly amused by the part where some kids in the audience yelled “We love you, Patti” and she responded “I love the freak out of you”. She also went off on Christina Aguilera and the other girls who covered Lady Marmalade. “You may think those girls did that song, but we did it first.” All in all, it wasn’t bad, except for the rain. My diploma got a little wet on the edges, but hopefully that will be hidden when it gets framed! I’m glad it’s over, I’m glad I did the ceremony, and I’m glad my loved ones were there to see it.

I’ve about had it with my temporary employment agency. I just got the hard copy of my pay stub today, which was direct deposited last Friday. In the envelope was a notification that they will be discontinuing direct deposit after the next pay date.

Um, excuse me? Bah!

Update: Well, the good news is I called the office and it turns out that this is only temporary while the company switches banks.

The bad news is I misread the notice and it turns out that paycheck was the last one to be direct deposited, so I’ll have to take the one from a few days ago to the bank. Since I wasn’t here on Friday when it came, I still currenly have almost no money in my account. Also, what kind of notice is that? Why is it so hard for them to switch their accounts? And why did the notice make it sound like direct deposit was permanently ending? Sigh.

I got the response today. It ends the waiting, but it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for. Apparently, they wanted someone who “more closely meets [their] business needs,” whatever that means. They seemed to like me, too. Maybe it means I’m overqualified, but that doesn’t help much. The only thing I do feel qualified to do is tech support, and that’s what this was, though not the kind I’ve done before. I’m afraid that I don’t feel qualified for whatever other people think I sound qualified for. And if I don’t believe that myself, I can’t convince someone of it in an interview.

I had a good feeling about this interview. Which just goes to show that my intuition sucks. I’m upset because I really wanted this job. I know I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s the first real interview I’ve had since I’ve graduated, and one can’t expect to succeed that quickly. The thing is, job hunting stresses me out so much. I don’t know how I can keep it up, not that I’m doing much of anything to keep up with at the moment. I know, everyone thinks that I’m a big baby about this. That it’s hard for everyone, I should suck it up, it’ll get better, I just shouldn’t let it bother me so much. But it does bother me and it doesn’t get better. Everything about looking for a job stresses me out so much. Looking at the ads, wondering if I’m capable of the description, usually thinking that I’m not. Trying to write a cover letter when I can’t think of anything to put in it that would make someone want to hire me. Worrying that I’m not looking in the right places, that I should be sending letters to find those “unadvertised” positions. Interviews where they want me to tell them about things that happened in previous jobs, when I just can’t remember any of the details.

I’m a pretty decent employee when I’m in a job. People I’ve worked with seem to like me, and even respect me. So, you’re right. I am unreasonable. There’s no reason that I shouldn’t be able to function like this. Except that I can’t. I’m broken, and I don’t know how to fix it. I just don’t know.

I had a job interview yesterday! It was at a nifty little web hosting company in Burlington, MA. I think it went pretty well, overall. I felt pretty comfortable talking with them and was able to answer most of the questions pretty easily. I was interviewed by four people, including the manager, and they were all really nice. The opportunity came up very suddenly. A friend on Lily mentioned that a friend of his had a job opening for a tech support/call center person at her company. (Turns out she’s a friend of another friend of mine, but I didn’t know that until I met her.) I got contact info and e-mailed my resume to the manager when I got home. He got back to me shortly thereafter and wanted me to come in the next day at 10 a.m. So, just like that, I had an interview!

I managed to drag my ass out of bed at 8 a.m. and make it to the interview in time (thankfully, traffic was pretty light, since it wasn’t the height of rush hour). I was there for almost an hour and a half, but still returned home to find Ed almost ready to get out of bed. 😉 Hopefully they liked me too, but I won’t find out anything until next week. I hate waiting. I would really like this job, since I think I would enjoy being there and would have something to contribute. The benefits didn’t seem too bad either. Only time will tell, since I hate to guess at these things. I’m keeping my fingers crossed, though.

Well, I got some things done today at least. I e-mailed one of my former supervisors and made sure he was still willing to be a reference for me. I managed to get myself to call the temp agency even though I was scared. I also e-mailed another former boss, but unfortunately, it seems he’s no longer at the company. Bad thing. 🙁 I tried e-mailing one of the other co-ops that I used to work with to see if he knew what happened to him, so hopefully that’ll turn something up. If not, I’ll need to find two more references instead of one.

So, finally, thanks to the prompting of my sweetie, I finished my resume and sent it to a headhunter. He doesn’t have anything at the moment, but he said he’d keep his eye out. I suppose that’s good, but I still have stuff to do. I need to contact my references and make sure they’re still there and willing. I’m so horrible about keeping in touch with people. Former coworkers, my friend since childhood, doesn’t matter. I’m terrified that the people I have as my references won’t be there anymore. I don’t know what to write to them after so long. I feel like I did a sucky job and they won’t want to be a reference anymore anyway. That’s probably not true, because they did offer. I just never feel like I can do anything.

I also need to call a temp agency tomorrow. I’m not really getting anywhere with the job search at the moment, and I need cash. I think that just doing something and getting some money will make it easier to get down to the business of looking. I just have no self-confidence to muster up right now. My other worry is that I don’t have enough clothes to wear for work, even for a temp job. I’m going to my mother’s house in a couple weeks, but I just hope I make it until then.

I wish, I wish, I wish the term was over. I have no idea if I’m going to pass all my classes or not, and I know I will be severely disappointed in myself if I don’t. I handed in a particularly dismal rendition of a term project today because I was unable to get started on it throughout the term. This term has been particularly horrible in that respect. I’ve been under the ball, rather than on it, and it’s taking its toll. I missed extreme numbers of classes from the beginning of the term because I would be unable to rouse myself from bed in the morning, or just didn’t care enough to run to class late.

Christmas is coming soon, and I’m very happy for that. I love the holiday. Even though I don’t consider myself Christian anymore, I love the chance to be with my family, snug and cozy next to the tree. This year, I have someone else to share that joy with, as my sweetie will be visiting my family with me. My family includes most of my favorite people in the world. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. I would never have gotten this far without their support. I can’t wait for Ed to spend more time with them.

Happy thoughts are around the corner, and I know that once I have my grades, I will be able to relax and enjoy vacation. It’s the waiting that kills me. If I fail something, I’ll have a good cry, but it will be over, and life will go on. If I have to, I’ll finish something at another school, because I don’t know if I can stand to be here another term. If I pass, I will be annoyed with myself, because I know that I haven’t done my best this term. I possess a startling ability to pull myself through classes when I have given up all hope, but there are some classes in which I have been doing worse than usual. After being unable to get myself started in the beginning of the term, it has become a long slump to the finish. Everything stressed me out so much that I couldn’t do anything about it until the last minute, when I didn’t care how I did it anymore. It’s a stupid attitude, because I know I’m intelligent, but it sticks with me to this day.

Right now, my neck feels like every muscle is tightened to its limit, my tummy is upset for who knows what reason, and I’m so tired. My mind is not going to stop worrying until grades are in, so it’s going to be a long time until next Friday. The horrible project I mentioned earlier is worth 60 percent of my grade, so although I surprised myself with an 82 percent on the midterm exam, I’m sure there is still a very real possibility that I will fail this course. I never should have taken a 400 level course, my mind was just not up to the challenge. I just want to know, dammit, so I can get on with my life.