I wish, I wish, I wish the term was over. I have no idea if I’m going to pass all my classes or not, and I know I will be severely disappointed in myself if I don’t. I handed in a particularly dismal rendition of a term project today because I was unable to get started on it throughout the term. This term has been particularly horrible in that respect. I’ve been under the ball, rather than on it, and it’s taking its toll. I missed extreme numbers of classes from the beginning of the term because I would be unable to rouse myself from bed in the morning, or just didn’t care enough to run to class late.
Christmas is coming soon, and I’m very happy for that. I love the holiday. Even though I don’t consider myself Christian anymore, I love the chance to be with my family, snug and cozy next to the tree. This year, I have someone else to share that joy with, as my sweetie will be visiting my family with me. My family includes most of my favorite people in the world. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. I would never have gotten this far without their support. I can’t wait for Ed to spend more time with them.
Happy thoughts are around the corner, and I know that once I have my grades, I will be able to relax and enjoy vacation. It’s the waiting that kills me. If I fail something, I’ll have a good cry, but it will be over, and life will go on. If I have to, I’ll finish something at another school, because I don’t know if I can stand to be here another term. If I pass, I will be annoyed with myself, because I know that I haven’t done my best this term. I possess a startling ability to pull myself through classes when I have given up all hope, but there are some classes in which I have been doing worse than usual. After being unable to get myself started in the beginning of the term, it has become a long slump to the finish. Everything stressed me out so much that I couldn’t do anything about it until the last minute, when I didn’t care how I did it anymore. It’s a stupid attitude, because I know I’m intelligent, but it sticks with me to this day.
Right now, my neck feels like every muscle is tightened to its limit, my tummy is upset for who knows what reason, and I’m so tired. My mind is not going to stop worrying until grades are in, so it’s going to be a long time until next Friday. The horrible project I mentioned earlier is worth 60 percent of my grade, so although I surprised myself with an 82 percent on the midterm exam, I’m sure there is still a very real possibility that I will fail this course. I never should have taken a 400 level course, my mind was just not up to the challenge. I just want to know, dammit, so I can get on with my life.